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Sabrina Gauer

Faith, Life & The Journey

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Worship

Fear and Faith

“Jesus said, ‘Don’t be afraid; only believe.'” – Mark 5:36

I learned very quickly in this cancer journey round two that Google is my medical enemy.

The moment I was rediagnosed, I went on a mad search for doctors, holistic cures, and stories of hope. But what I found was a rabbit hole that sucked me deeper and deeper into despair.

Five-year survival rate from first diagnosis. High mortality. Many have tried…few (if any??) have succeeded in living beyond the five years without major risks and complications that came from the “only option” of surgeries, chemo, and radiation.

One late afternoon in early May of this year, before I knew what my plan would be or who would work with me from a medical perspective, I was laying in the hyperbaric oxygen chamber, anxiously waiting for my PET scan results, and doing another frantic search for answers on my phone. When I came out of the chamber, I was so overwhelmed by everything I had read that I could hardly process all the “bad news”.

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Fighting with Figs

“Go back and tell Hezekiah, the leader of my people, ‘This is what the LORD God of your ancestor David says: I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. Look, I will heal youI will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria…Then Isaiah said, “Bring a lump of pressed figs.” So they brought it and applied it to his infected skin, and he recovered.” – 2 Kings 20:4-7

 

King Hezekiah was sick. He was going to die. He had an enemy army coming to capture his city, and he was out of options. But through the fear, pain, and anguish, he faithfully turned to God.

And God not only told Hezekiah He was going to heal him, but He also gave the king the tools to do so — in this particular case, using figs to heal whatever the wound was that Hezekiah had, which could definitely be cancer since figs are very high in cancer-fighting properties!

I find myself once again searching for options better than what my current surgical oncologist is pressing to do; preventative, invasive reconstructive surgery followed by multiple rounds of radiation. Because I’m “young” and still have my “whole life to live”…as if there would be much quality of life after losing yet another half of my tongue, enduring that hellish surgery for the second time (and this time, so much worse), and recovering mentality, physically, spiritually…

No, thank you.

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The Empty Stage

“I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;                                                                                        I will glorify Your name forever.” – Psalm 86:12

 

If you could do anything in this life, beyond what you think is “possible”, what would it be?

I used to answer that question with, “Become a famous music artist, travel, and play shows.” That was literally all I wanted to do.

The thrill of the stage, the lights, and the pounding of the music. Having people in the crowd below you shouting your lyrics and being moved by what you created. It’s adrenaline-inducing and addicting. To be known as your music and identified with your ability and praised for it.

And then, life shifts that perspective.

In the grand scheme of things, music will always be a part of who I am. But it’s not my identity. I needed to learn that when I faced my surgery and recovering in the months after. That need to be known as my ability was washed away, replaced with a new identity — my worth in Christ.

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