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Sabrina Gauer

Faith, Life & The Journey

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New Year

Hello, 2019

 “The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” – Isaiah 58:11

 

(NOTE: I’ve been trying to draft this post for almost two weeks now — seriously, these pain meds are NO JOKE.)

New Year’s Eve.

My entire life, NYE has been an evening of watching the ball drop from my TV screen, eating too much, a variation of family fun night, watching Hotel Transylvania (Elizabeth O., we WILL watch #3 together, haha), or dressing up and going out. And the next day is ALWAYS my vision board/journaling day— reflecting on the past year and contemplating the fresh, squeaky-clean, 365 days ahead while creating my list of goals (I’ve always preferred goals over resolutions).

But this time around, these two days were a blur of trying to fight excruciating pain, not being physically able to eat OR sleep, and finding myself uttering the words, “I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this,” to my family gathered around my bedside on New Year’s Eve, laying hands on me and praying for a miracle.

For the first time in my cancer recurrence and journey, I actually felt scared about being at home without a clear plan for pain management, and the meds I had been taking over the previous months were no longer even touching the pain. Good sleep was out of the question — I slept sitting up because of how swollen my neck had gotten, and we already knew these to be strange cystic lymph nodes encapsulating necrotic cells (from the ER visit and CT scan in November) that none of the doctors we consulted with would touch; these nodes continued growing despite my stopping IVs and injections for a bit to allow my body a break for balance. And just the concept of food was both physically and emotionally draining — I was now down to all liquids because of how painful it was to chew and swallow.

My functional medicine doctor (an absolutely incredible woman I began working with in the beginning of November) had suggested Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston for a second opinion a few weeks ago, but I wasn’t in any position to travel given my condition. So we prayed. Hard. Daily. For hours. As a family, as individuals, as groups of friends laying hands on my weak body. I spent most of those sleepless nights begging God to heal me or take me home because I just didn’t know how to handle it anymore.

But things just kept getting worse.

Continue reading “Hello, 2019”

2017: In Review

“There is no passion to be found playing small — in settling for a life that is less than you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

 

A year changes a lot of things.

When you’re in it, you don’t see the subtle things that add up to the big picture, but wow, what a difference a year makes! And one of my favorite things is to write down the significant parts, and compare them to where I was in the past, and see not only how my life keeps moving forward, but also how the Creator’s hand paints a beautiful masterpiece through each moment.

I’m so grateful for this life.

Continue reading “2017: In Review”

Hummingbirds And Eagles

A new year always looks so bright and full of hopeful expectation in the beginning. We plot and plan the next blank 365 days, write our resolutions and lists in big, bold letters across crisp pages, setting goals like “drink more water” and “save for travel”.

January can feel like a hummingbird month. Constantly flapping our wings and buzzing from one source of nourishment to the next; so focused on doing. Gyms are full to capacity. Every email blast, diet program, website update, blog post, Pinterest suggested pins, Instagram motivation, and sermon for the next few weeks will be about how to be a better YOU this year. And if you aren’t following these “5 Steps to Your Most Successful Year EVER”, then you’re falling behind. Hummingbird, © Matthew B. Propert

But God doesn’t call us to be hummingbirds.

He calls us to be eagles.

I had a conversation recently with someone in full-time ministry who lamented about the stress of January. And it really made me pause. If working for God causes stress and anxiety, if our path to a more confident and peaceful self is riddled with fear and striving, and if we are so focused on keeping up with the Joneses that we forget Who our lives belong to…then we are missing the entire point.

Eagles remain steady. They don’t work spazzily like the hummingbird- darting here and there, a million miles per hour. They spread their wings and trust the wind stream. They are confident in their purpose. They don’t strive. They soar.

So my challenge to you (and to myself!) is this: let’s spend 2017 living more like eagles than hummingbirds. Let’s refuse to give in to the unattainable standards of the “best year ever”, and instead trust that we can spread our wings and allow God to carry us through the inevitable ups and downs that come with life.

Look forward in hope and expectation. But slow down and give yourself breathing room to stretch and grow. Grant yourself some grace when things aren’t picture-perfect. And let God take you places you haven’t even dreamed of yet.

The best is yet to come. 

 

 

 

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