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Kahama Farms, Kaua’i

“You split the sea so I could walk right through it, my fears were drowned in perfect love. You rescued me so I could stand and sing, I am a Child of God.” — Bethel Music

Writing a blog post on my phone is very annoying — BUT I just needed to take a second to acknowledge the power, grace, and love of Jesus in my life.

First of all, making the decision to get on that plane last week and go lead worship for Still Waters Cancer Retreat was TERRIFYING. Never had I ever felt so vulnerable, afraid, and out of my element. I wrestled with so many questions, like “what if I can’t sing? What if the tumor starts hurting? What if people notice my lisp? What if I’m not good enough? What if…”

Me, me, me. All the insecurities.

But even in my human frailty and fear, I got on that plane and flew across the country to meet Hannah in person (who I had literally met over Instagram!) to lead worship for this brand new, spiritually-based retreat in California.

And wow. I am sooo glad I did. Because lo and behold, it wasn’t about ME at all. Once again, it was all about JESUS and what He wanted to do THROUGH me. It was about hearts being changed and shifted back to Christ. Healing and restoration. The Holy Spirit working in ways that my limitations had ZERO effect over. 

What a beautiful, humbling few days. I met incredible people who have left forever imprints on my heart and soul, prayed with and for each other, spent time hearing about God’s faithfulness in their cancer stories, and connected with Jesus on a deeper level.

And then, in an amazing and totally Jesus-orchestrated turn of events, at 4:45 am on Monday, I found myself rerouting my flight (literally an hour before I had to board) to Hannah’s parents’ home in Kaua’i, Hawaii, for a few more days of ocean and Jesus. 

Of course, God already knew He was going to send me here. It’s like He smiled down from heaven as I pressed through Satan’s taunting and insults and fear-based lies about myself (“Who do you actually think you are?” vs “Who does GOD say I am?”) and kept a surprise for the very last minute…”My daughter, here’s another twist in the story, I’m sending you to Hawaii.”

BECAUSE HE ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT WE NEED BEFORE WE ASK. Jehovah Jireh translates to more than “Provider”…it means “The One who sees.” He sees me, knows me better than I know myself, and knows exactly what I need before I lift my cares and concerns to Him. And even beyond that, He knows how to bless and give good gifts to His kids! He knows exactly what would drive me to my knees in awe and thankfulness! 

Yes, I still have cancer. Yes, I am still fighting through the moment by moment fears of illness and the unknown. But right now, I’m inhaling and exhaling His goodness and His overwhelming love for me. Cancer be damned, I’m going to embrace this season I’m in. Face it with courage. And let God carry me wherever He wants to lead me. 

Because if God is for me, who can be against me? 🙏 Nothing and no one. I am no longer a slave to fear — I am a Child of God. And when you put your total faith, trust, and confidence in Jesus, He will open doors for you that no man can shut.

My prayer this morning is that Jesus meets you right where you are, right now. That you open your heart to salvation and grace through His sacrifice. And through knowing Him, truly and completely, you experience freedom and peace.