“God often meets with us in the quiet darkness of adversity just before taking us out into the light. He must strengthen the light in us before the spotlight is placed on us.” – Lysa Terkeurst
It was 2 a.m. I was lying in a hospital bed, attached to IVs, tubes and oxygen – unable to sleep from all the panic attacks and medications. I was being fed meals through a tube in my nose. My voice was locked inside because of the trachea tube that had been inserted after the surgery, only able to communicate by painstakingly mouthing words or writing on a dry-erase board. Half of my tongue had been removed and replaced with a graft from my left arm, and another graft taken from my left thigh to reconstruct the piece taken from my wrist.
And frankly, I was devastated.
Hadn’t I believed hard enough? Hadn’t I sensed God at work, as so many people were praying and strengthening my faith and resolve? Why was I here, in pain and trying to wrap my head around everything that had happened…?
But in that dark hospital room, in the middle of a long night, I heard God’s voice more clearly than I ever have in my life. It cut through my tears and heartbreak, made me catch my breath. “Do you trust Me, Sabrina?”
And a peace settled in my heart in that moment.
Today, it’s been four weeks since the surgery. Time has dripped painfully slow like molasses, but also has flown by when I look at the calendar. Each week presents new challenges, decisions to make, doctors to meet with, and goals to accomplish- even little things like chewing and pronunciation. It’s exhausting…and it’s forcing me to cling to my faith with everything I’ve got.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I’m not giving up. It’s hard. But it’s changing me and making me stronger…in a different way. The things I cared about before have faded. When you’re hit in the face with life-or-death decisions at the age of 27, let’s just say I’m confident that nothing will ever be the same for me again.
But God knew that. He knew this journey would transform me inside-out. And He knows the next steps I need to take, the things I need to remove from my life and the things that I need to bring closer to my heart. This has made me reevaluate, examine and seek…because the answers are beyond the grasp of my frail, prone-to-disease-and-weakness humanity- and that’s where Faith thrives and changes the world.